Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Taking Deep Breaths

The problem with denial, aside from the long term psychological damage, is the slow period of awakening during which I realize that the inevitable can no longer be denied. This awakening usually begins about a week before D-Day with a variety of emotional and physical churnings which can range from mild tension and nausea to sudden emotional outbursts, fits of temper, and waves of panic. It's usually a very gradual onset and since I am so good at denial, I'm usually baffled by my rising stress level and, given my age, tend to believe that I have no doubt entered menopause.

You would think that the whole passport (or lack thereof) would be increasing my stress level, but it is actually making it much easier to ignore the inevitable because it can't become reality without the passport (which didn't ship today, leaving only 2 possible days, Friday or Saturday, for it to arrive). In my mind, this is not a problem... only a longer stay in denial.

So all's going well, but then comes a twist. Due to some changes in family plans, it now turns out that only my sister and new sister-in-law will be flying out Saturday and the rest of the family has had to switch flights and will be travelling with DH and me on Monday... leaving me the opportunity to switch flights and fly out sooner. I really want to do this! I know it doesn't make sense but spending time with my sisters sounds like fun and, mainly, the less time I have for anxiety to build up, the less explosive my anxiety will be, right?

It's like in the movie Hunt for Red October when the only way the sub can defend itself against the incoming missile is to turn and drive/float/glide (whatever they do) at top speed straight into the oncoming missile, thereby hitting it before it has time to arm itself and destroy them. Instead of a huge explosion, it was just a matter of knocking the unarmed missile out of the way.

See? If I can leave sooner, there will not be enough time for the anxiety ticking inside me to go nuclear. Very reasonable really. Of course this would mean a longer stay in Mexico but I can think about that later...

However this brings me back to what was ironically my saving grace... I have NO passport. Let the stress begin.

So how does one deal with that growing tension within? Buy yarn? Yep, did that... still stressed. Start speaking between clenched teeth to those I share a home with? Trying very hard not to do that...

Ugh! Well, just in case it does work out for me to leave early, I figure I'd better start planning what knitting and reading I should take with me (I was one step ahead of you Laura). The books are easy... fun, light-hearted paperbacks. (3 because I don't know what I'll feel like reading)

The knitting is a bit more difficult because I have to take into consideration things like needles (what's best for airplanes... will they take my Knit Picks circulars? They are fairly pointy. How about short bamboo dpns... they should be okay. etc.), the amount of yarn required (nothing requiring a dozen skeins of yarn... whether or not I would need that much in 5 days is irrelevant), the climate (requires lightweight yarn), and the color. See, I would love to take Bonita for the plane ride but what if someone sitting near me happens to have a Bloody Mary on the plane (you know, people do that... some people... I've heard)? I wouldn't want to ruin 400 yards of fingering weight white cotton that's been knit into half of a top. Nope... too risky.

So... I think I'll bring Clementine, a SWTC tank knit with Oasis Soy Silk (only 3 small balls) from my Stash (I even checked gauge today... sadly the yarn prefers bamboo but maybe these will be more airplane friendly), Koigu for IK Embossed Leaves Socks, Bonita, STR Harlotry socks for mindless knitting, and, probably an extra ball of sock yarn (just for the heck of it). Yes, it's probably overboard but I have to have whatever I might feel like knitting. I'm sure you understand... and these projects add up to a very manageable, light load.

There, I feel better already.

No, not really...


lynda said...

Well - it sounds like you at least have the knitting covered! I hope your passport comes today so you can head out early and RELAX with your sisters!!

Laura said...

I'm praying that your passport arrives today, too. Great slate of knitting projects and reads!

Charity said...

Keep breathing, Tammy! With the great knitting and books you have picked out, I'd be tempted to go somewhere all by myself! :0) I recognize the Beaton and McCall-Smith books, but what is the third author?